7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
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My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.