Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
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I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
synchronized noseblowing
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.