My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
You Might Also Like
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
gentlemen, hear me out