You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
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“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
What about second breakfast?
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
True
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Cartman: Respect my
a a
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?