Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
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My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
the clam before the storm
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.