I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
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After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me