My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
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[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Every haunted house movie:
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
forgive me baja for i have blast
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.