Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
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At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Safety first
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…