Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
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COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.