“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
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When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?