Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
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I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.