Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
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Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Actually cracking up @ this
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I love twitter
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
i hate you platonically
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*