why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
You Might Also Like
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Poetry is my passion
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I’m giving up ice.
Always…
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters