“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
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dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.