I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
You Might Also Like
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
also my go-to takeaway order
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
work smarter, not harder
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat