Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
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just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.