In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
You Might Also Like
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
This could be us but you eatin’
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.