I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
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Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.