My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
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I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.