You Might Also Like
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Happy thanksgiving!
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans