Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
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Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona