Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
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I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.