I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
You Might Also Like
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Try and stop me.
🤔😂😂
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday