Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
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Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me