I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
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The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
this is how life feels
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
m’lady
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p