My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
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Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that