My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
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(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
my retirement plan is braless
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.