political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
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Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
@ candidates for local office
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know