just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
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It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
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Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt