I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
You Might Also Like
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
how it started vs how it ended
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.