“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
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Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
you have three unread messages
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about