ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
You Might Also Like
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18