“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
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I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Very good! 👍😂
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.