U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
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*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
#parenting
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures