imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
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“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs