I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
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Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.