7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing