dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
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Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”