I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
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You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Meow
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare