“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
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Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.