Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
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girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams