me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
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Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.