I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
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Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired