you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
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cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant