Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
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Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
This story is comedy gold 😂
True
I think I’m having a stroke
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug