“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
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People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.