me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
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“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.