On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
You Might Also Like
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
🍛
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.