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Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?