I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
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I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
✌️
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.